Loathing
by Book2romantic
Summary: Waking up to find that you can't remember who you are, but that you have an overwhelming urge to kill people and drink their blood really isn't conducive to a good self image. A lone vampire who doesn't know her own history attempts to find a better way.
1. Meetings

Its incredibly disconcerting waking up and not knowing who or where you are. You keep expecting it to come back to you, but it doesn't. You have this feeling of being out of place, like you aren't the person that you should be, and everything would fit if you could just remember.

I was so starving. How could someone like me go on living? This way of life was wrong, there was another way, wasn't there? I just couldn't remember it. I could only remember waking up, and life since then. I'd learned in the 3 years since that normal people sleep. I learned that how I felt was right, that most people don't have this urge to latch onto the neck of the nearest person and suck the life out of them. I learned that most people certainly don't attack and kill there fellow man because they are hungry. That was the most important thing I learned. That I was right, and my body was wrong, for wanting to hurt others like this.

I learned other things too. Most people don't glitter in the sun, so wear a burka or only go out when there is no sun. Most people aren't ogled by men and hated by women as soon as they walk into the room. Sometimes the burka was a blessing. I've learned most people aren't this strong. Or this fast. I've learned to astral project myself and anyone I touch, taking our minds into a world created by my imagination. I've learned that I am a vampire, and most people are good and simple and live, love, and die. But not me.

I hated this. I was so hungry that I couldn't stay away. I was going to kill someone, and I would be so disgusted with what I am that I would probably go try and kill myself again. No. I wouldn't. I'd given up on that long ago. And these days some semblance of a will to live had emerged.

I walked into the alley, where I knew the lone homeless man spent his days. He was asleep. Thank god for that at least. I can't stand the terror and the pain in their eyes.

"I'm sorry," I whisper as I lean down. I bite into his neck, and he wakes up. You can see his surprise in his posture, surpirse that its a thin woman, no, a girl, with shimmering brown hair that is holding him down and drinking his life blood straight out of him. Then I make the mistake. Same mistake I make every time. I look into his eyes.

I drop him, and am on the roof tops a block away before he even hits the ground. Sobbing without tears as the snow comes down around me. Most people, I've learned, can cry.

I'm 5'7" with long brown hair and pail skin. Most people who look like me diet all the time. I weigh around 120 pounds, even though I think I'm denser than most people. I've been told I have a dancer's build.

I'd been living on the edge of the law I suppose since I woke up. After all the people I killed, what was a little thievery besides? At least everyone went home to their families afterward. It had been nearly a month since I had attacked the homeless man in that alley. I'd spent the first night crying on that rooftop. I hadn't even drank my fill. I was so hungry.

I was south of where I had been before. I wasn't really in the city proper anymore, more south of it. It was some sort of college campus, with old gothic architecture and large grassy fields surrounded by dorms and classes.

I was following a woman. It was happening again, where I got so weak I had to give in. I just couldn't fight anymore. She walked past the mouth of an alley, two dark buildings dedicated to enlightenment and knowledge the only witnesses as I prepared to pounce.

I gasped as something slammed into me, throwing me into the very alley that would have been her death trap.

As I stood up, I felt a pair of hands grasping me. Hands as cold as my own. I looked up into a face as pale as my own, grinning in victory. Then I felt a pain, a burning like nothing I ever felt in my life. What was he doing to me. I couldn't concentrate. Not on anything but the flames that were making the skin and muscle on my arms shrivel to reveal the bone. As I tried to scream he covered my mouth, and no sound emerged.

Then it stopped. I looked down and I was fine. No burns on me. Still the ungodly perfect skin that marked me as a murderer.

"So you're the one responsible for all the newborns Jane and I have been having to run around exterminating," he said as he took his hand off my mouth.

"What are you talking about? Who are you? Why are you attacking me? Let me go!!" I shouted before I was shut up by fire burning through me, leaving me sobbing on the ground.

"Now try to be quieter. We are members of the Volturi Guard. Think of us as a police force for the vampire world if you like. And who might you be?"

I stared at him, my mind frantically processing all the information. There are more like me? So many more that they have a police force? How many people must we kill every day to survive?

I realized that it had been a few seconds since he asked his question when he pinned me to the wall with a hand around my throat. If I'd been human I would have suffocated. A young girl, a child came over to stand next to him. Jane, I guess? I couldn't get air through my neck to speak. Jane wandered back into the shadows. I could see her eyes on me still, focusing like I was the only thing in the world.

"No matter then. I'm afraid that you've proven yourself to much of a nuisance to be allowed to live."

Just kill me then. Please don't burn me again. And I should die. We should all die. We are wrong. As I felt fingers squeezing harder to snap my neck, I suddenly smelled the most amazing thing I have ever experienced. I forgot about the hand around my throat, and the fact that I deserved to burn in hell. The scent was so good. So pure and clean. I smelled a reason to live, just to taste whatever that was. Three heads snapped to the entrance of the alley as we all noticed it at the same instant.

"What the hell are you doing?!" shouted some voice angrily. It was a human. He cried out as Jane immediately hit him with her mental fire, but now I would fight. If only for that smell! I broke off the hand that was holding me at the wrist, punching right through the arm holding me to the wall. I'd never punched as hard as I did right then, desperate will to survive and hunger giving me a strength I didn't know I had. I pushed off the wall so hard I flew to the human who smelled so delicious. As I hit the ground, I felt flames burning through me. I grabbed the prone form on the ground, and was over the nearest wall before I had time to think about the pain.


	2. Introductions

The human was unconscious. I think the pain from that demon child's fire had made him pass out. I suppose it was good that he wouldn't feel his own agonizing death, at the hands of someone he'd tried to save.

No. I won't do this. I can't kill this person. They probably have friends and family, and a life. He seems like a good man. He tried to save me. He did save me. Surely I could keep from killing him.

But he smelled so delicious. Strangely like citrus, when I really tried to label it, but it seemed like there's really more to it than that. I don't know, but it was overwhelming me. I set him down and dashed to the other side of the roof. I sat down there, shaking, with shame and with hunger. Why would I want to kill him? Why hadn't he just left me to die?

I heard him wake up. I was turned away from him, sobbing, but vampire hearing, especially desperately hungry vampire hearing wouldn't miss a human stirring. He walked over, quietly for a human.

"Hey," he said, touching me on the shoulder.

I spun in a flash, grabbing his hand. He'd jerked it back. Quick for a human too. But not quick to me. To me it was like he was he was at the bottom of the ocean. Why would such a creature try to help me? But he couldn't see what I'd done. Only I could. He saw the perfection, the way I moved so fluidly, the way I was flawlessly beautiful.

I focused, and with a thought we weren't on the roof anymore. Not the same one we had been on. This one looked the same, but it wasn't cold. It didn't have any background noise from the city. And it didn't have any demonic hunger or any overpoweringly appetizing smell.

"What just happened?" said the startled looking young man. He had black hair, and skin that looked as if it had seen some time outside even though it was the middle of winter. Naturally tan, so unlike my own.

"What did you just do to me? Why can't I feel the cold? Why can't I hear anything?" The only sounds left were those we made, and I had remained silent.

"I projected you."

"You _what_?"

"I projected you. We're in my mind, in a world that I created. I figured that I could at least do this to thank you for saving me. I can grant you any wish you want here." I can even make myself not a vampire, not tear out your throat and suck you dry.

"I guess I'll have a million dollars then. I could use the money."

"Pick an experience, something you'll remember. You can't take any thing with you outside of here but what you remember."

"Then, I guess... ummm...I don't know. I'd like to know everything. No, that's dumb. How about how to cure cancer?"

"I can cure cancer here, but the real world has different rules. It wouldn't work the same. Let's start simple. Would you like something to eat?"

"Uh, sure, I guess. I'm kinda hungry. You?"

"You have no idea," I said as I shifted into an Italian restaurant, with candles, checkered red and white tablecloths, and a steaming hot pizza that was still cool enough to immediately be eaten. It was a Chicago style deep dish, covered in peppers, olives, pepperoni, sausage, pineapple, anchovies, every topping I could think of. I loved tasting all the different flavors of the world in my mind, even if I couldn't appreciate them in real life.

"What would you like?" I asked as I tore into my own meal.

"To know how you do all this. Who are you? What are you?" He wasn't looking at me like most of them do. Not fear or lust or hate. Just complete curiosity, as if my powers and my looks meant nothing, except for a funny story.

"I'm astral projecting your mind and mine into a different plane of existence. I'm pretty much God here. I can do whatever I want."

"That, really doesn't tell me anything."

Well, I suppose no flashy show can distract you from the obvious for too long.

"You don't want to know what I am." Maybe a warning will distract?

"Curiosity is killing. Come on, what? Some angel, or demon? A witch? Or a psychic of some kind? Alien?"

"You weren't far off with one of those."

"But it wasn't exactly right either."

"No."

"Hmm. What's your name?" A simple question, right? But not for my. I look away. Hoping he won't see my reaction.

"What's the matter?" Just my luck perceptive too.

"I can't tell you my name."

"Its some secret? A part of this magic?"

"Yes," I answer too quickly, grasping at a way not to explain.

"You're lying."

"Now who's the psychic?"

"What shall I call you then, oh nameless angel?"

"What would you like to call me? I can be anyone you want."

"Have you ever seen the Fifth Element?"

"What's that?"

"Its one of the greatest scifi movies of all time."

"No. Doesn't ring a bell."

"I'll call you Leeloo. My name is Josh, by the way."


	3. Confessions

"Well what would you like Josh?"

"I don't know."

"You must have something you want. Chicken? Steak? Sushi?"

"No, not that I don't know. I Don't Know is this weird chicken, rice and vegetable dish from a family owned Chinese restaurant where I live. Can I have that?"

"If you've got a clear enough memory of it, and really want it, yeah. I can know anything you want me to know, if you know it."

"What if I don't want you to know it?" he asked as a waiter brought out a steaming plate of chicken and vegetables that were a weird slightly off orange color.

"Sometimes I can learn it anyway, but if you try hard enough you could probably block it. Don't really dwell on it and it won't just come to me."

"This is an interesting talent you have. This is perfect," he added as he gestured to the plate. A bowl of rice had been set down near it while I was looking at him. Even without the smell he looked appetizing.

"So if you can't tell me who you are, or what you are, what can you tell me?" he asked as he smiled. No, not some nameless victim. Josh.

Even his teeth looked like they'd be nice, straight, and perfectly white. They had a metal wire running along the front ones on his lower jaw.

"I can tell that you had braces at one point, and that you have a remarkably accurate self image." I'd seen braces on one child I'd killed, and morbidly learned all I could about orthodontia in the weeks after. The girl must have had parents who cared about her, to have spent all the money on something like that. Not thinking about that now. I shook my head trying to get images out of it.

"You noticed the permanent retainer? And what are you shaking your head about?"

"Nothing, just trying to clear my head." Trying to give you a pleasant last meal before you die. Trying to keep you from realizing that you condemned yourself by saving me.

"That doesn't make it sound like you had something interesting in your head at all."

"I have this whole world in my head."

"Don't clear it, I'm using that right now."

"Ha. A psychic and a comedian."

"Now who's the comedian?" he asked. Josh asked. Think of him as a person. You at least owe each of them that much. Especially one who was so kind.

"I just have a somewhat..._checkered_ past I don't want to bring up."

"Dangerous, mysterious, beautiful, I think I'm in love."

I looked at him with my best what do you mean by that, cocked eyebrow expression.

"Due to the superpower of course. I meet beautiful, mysterious women who get into interesting adventures all the time. Which reminds me, _what the hell did I walk into earlier?_"

"Some of the checkered past I was trying not to bring up." My sins catching up to me.

Josh sighed. I saw him glancing around, noticing the string quartet that had started playing in a corner.

"Would you care to dance?" he asked with a somewhat resigned grin.

"Certainly," I smiled back at him.

The quartet was playing some classic piece that I had heard before. I didn't really notice the name. I could feel that it was a waltz from Josh, who apparently had done this sort of thing before. Since he was thinking it loudly, trying to remember long unused lessons, I had some warning before he placed one hand on my hip, and took my other hand in his. He felt so warn against me. I hadn't had any real human contact my whole life. At least that I could remember. It wasn't a very complicated dance, and we easily fell into the rhythm of it.

"The cotillion teachers would have loved you." he said with an almost dreamy smile.

"Cotillion?" I asked.

"It was sort of a manners class my parents forced me to attend as a kid. I swore never to use their teachings, but you just do it naturally. The way you sit, the way you eat. You really are perfect."

"Thank you, but I'm really not as perfect as you think." I leaned my head on his shoulder, feeling his warmth.

"You could tell me. That's what I want actually. More than anything, I've always wanted to understand people. For my one wish, I want your story."

"I don't want to tell you," I said.

"Why not?"

"I like you thinking I'm perfect," I said, tears coming to my eyes.

"You've been kinder to me than I deserve, and I just was enjoying it. You seem like a good man. I don't want to know what you'd think of me when you really know me."

"I don't think I'm as good as you believe me to be either."

"I _know_ I'm not."

"How?"

"Because," I paused, looking deep into those warm brown eyes.

"I'm a vampire."


	4. Quotes

"That's it?"

I nodded.

"So what does that mean? You vant to suck my blood?"

"Yes!" I shouted. "Desperately. Totally. Completely."

I clung to him while I said this, smelling that intoxicating, overpowering scent, but without feeling the hunger. I felt his chest shaking as he quietly laughed at me.

"What are you laughing at? When we finally leave my projection, I'll kill you. I'll drink your blood. I don't want to, but I won't be able to stop myself. I'll kill you like I killed all those other people." He still held me close, and I realized that it was me shaking now, crying, instead of him laughing.

"I'm sure that you won't," he said. Such naive confidence. I wish that I had it. Did I ever have it?

"Surely there's some other way."

"I'm so hungry though," I sobbed. "So hungry. I haven't eaten in a month. Please."

He was holding me up now, every muscle in me seeming to have failed from hunger and grief and shame. I don't know why he wouldn't have left. Why he didn't at least let go. If I could have left myself I would have. I felt us sinking to sit on the dance floor, as the band began playing something sadder. I think I'd heard it on the radio recently, but I couldn't be sure unless I heard the vocal part.

"Hey," he said, trying to tilt my chin up to look at him. Seeing as I was stronger than him, I just didn't let him, keeping my face buried in his chest.

"I'm sorry," I breathed.

"Why do you have to kill me?"

"I'll probably lose control and just kill you as soon as I start, snap your neck like a twig. But if I don't, I have venom. When I bite you, some will get into you. I've seen the way some of the other people I've bitten have screamed from it, the way they've thrashed around, all because I was too weak..."

"Have you killed many people?" he said with a grin.

"Yes."

"How many?"

"What's it matter? And stop making fun of me." I said, suddenly starting to get angry. "I killed 37 people. They had lives and families, people who cared about them. I used to read their obituaries, watch their funerals, listen to children and parents and friends giving eulogies. Don't you laugh at them!"

"I happen to have a very morbid sense of humor. And if I'm going to die, don't expect me to go out sad."

Immediately I fall right back into tears. I know I'm going to kill you. Why do you have to rub in what a monster I am. Why didn't you just let me die? I laid there on the floor curling into a ball. I could feel all the shame and fear of what I was pressing in on me, crushing me down into darkness

"I'm sorry," he said. "You're not a monster and I wasn't trying to rub in anything."

"What?" I sniffed.

"You said that I was rubbing in what a monster you were and that I should have let you die."

He was holding me. Cradling me.

"What happened?"

"I think you blacked out. You were just muttering how I should have let you die for a minute, but you didn't react when I told you how I couldn't. How I'd rather you live than me."

"How could you want someone like me to live?"

"I guess I see some of myself in you. But you feel so much remorse. How could anyone who wanted so much to do what was right be evil, deserve death?"

"If I know right from wrong, then its that much worse that I always choose to do what is I do."

"Why didn't you kill me?"

"I had to get away from those two other vampires, in case you didn't notice."

"There were two? I only saw one."

"There was another in the shadows, who burned you when you called out."

"oh...but that's beside the point. You had lots of chances to kill me. We're obviously safe enough now, why not kill me now? I think I'd prefer the venom, I'd like to really remember my last moments not have it just end in some quick little"

"STOP IT!"

"Stop what? Won't you at least honor my wishes in my last moment? Surely I deserve to pick how you kill me?"

"Stop, please."

"Why should I stop, you're just going to kill me anyhow, at least I can make you guilty about it."

"I don't want to kill you at all!"

"See? Remorse. That's what makes me so sure that you're not evil. The self doubt, the struggle. I hear that's what makes us human."

"Where'd you hear that load of crap? Hallmark?" I tried to glare, but its tough to glare at someone who is still cradling you after you blacked out. Plus my eyes were still all watery. I think it more just came across as rapturous attention.

"Around. What's it matter? If Hitler or Stalin said it, its still true."

"And its still irrelevant."

"No, Leeloo," he said with a grin, emphasizing the name, "it makes all the difference in the world." Stupid grin, keeping me from paying full attention to this crappy argument. Still it was nice to have a name, and someone to call me it. The way he said it, the way he talked to me, almost made me feel like I was normal. Like I was just another person taking my chances with life.

I sighed and snuggled closer to Josh.

"So what were you doing in that alley at 2 in the morning?"

"Of all the gin joints in all the world, why'd I have to walk into yours, huh?"

"What?"

"Casablanca? Of all the gin joints, in all the towns in all the world?"

I looked at him in confusion.

"I know what I want. We're going to watch Casablanca. Everyone should see that movie at least once in their life."

"Okay. But this is the most elaborate dodge I've ever seen."

"I'll tell you after the movie. Well, actually I have a few more you need to see. But then I'll tell my story, sad and woeful as it may be."

"I'm sure its just terrible."

"You want the truth? Never mind, its from another movie."

These movie references were starting to annoy me, in a cute, endearing sort of way, so I figured I better humor him so I could figure out what he was talking about.

We were suddenly sitting in a theater, in seats that were some deep maroon color. A black and white film had just started playing on the screen.

"That was quick work."

"I was curious."

"You can tell more too you know."

"I thought we were here to watch a movie?"


	5. Movies

We'd been here for hours, at least it seemed that way. We'd watched Casablanca, A Few Good Men, the Princess Bride, Rent, and the Blues Brothers.

"What should I put on next?" I asked from where I was resting my head on Josh's shoulder. I had subtly tried to extract myself from his grasp when we first started watching, but he had seemed to like me where I was, in his arms, and I wasn't inclined to struggle much. If he didn't mind, I would sit here and soak up every sensation, every smell and touch and sound of a person who seemed to like having me around and having me near them. And I certainly would not think about anything but this moment.

The image I found sitting on the edge of his mind wasn't a movie though. It was a building, that I knew, as easily as he did, that it was were he lived. It was one of the dorms on the college I had been at when we had met.

_Of course,_ I thought. _He would want to go home eventually. He probably has friends and work and lots of things to do._ I wasn't sure if this was most upsetting to me because he was apparently bored with me, or if it was the fact that I would probably kill him when we got out of here. I wish I had managed in one of my past attempts, so that I never would meet and ruin the life of such a wonderful person. He liked me. He was kind to me without any reason. Even after I told him what I was, how we would end, he still wanted me to be happy more than I ever had.

"I want..." he trailed off.

"What?" I said, lifting my head up to look at him.

"I wish you could meet all my friends. I want show you around everywhere, really show you my life."

"You don't think it's early to have me meeting everyone in your life? First dates are hardly the time to take a girl to meet your parents," I added playfully. I tried to pull a view of his parents, his family, out of his head, but I found only a blank wall. I realized that he was staring away from me. His mind switched back to his building, as if being wrenched there.

"My family and I don't get along. But I'd love for you to meet my friends," Josh said, smiling back toward me.

"You were going to tell me your story, when we finished with the movies," I said.

"Can I tell you later?" he asked me, a pleading looking in his eyes.

"Why?" I asked back.

"I like you thinking I'm perfect," he said, smiling sadly as he muttered my own words back at me. "Please?" he begged, with those beautiful brown eyes, so dark they're nearly as black as mine, shining in front of me, and of course I would give him anything I could. I don't know what I would do if he was sad or upset. I don't know what I will do when he wants to leave this, when he wants to leave me. I gulped convulsively, trying not to think about that, trying not to think about what I was. He was so good at making me not think about it, making me feel like I could be a normal girl, who he might really want to spend time with. Why couldn't I just be normal? Why did I have to be this terrible... freak? This monster, murderer?

"It's ok. I'm sorry. I'll tell you anything. Please don't cry," I heard Josh saying into my hair. I realized I was shaking, and that he was holding me tightly against him. I took a deep breath, trying to calm down. I loved the way he smelled. It was so calming when I wasn't thirsty. I slowly stopped shaking.

"Why would you need to apologize?" I asked quietly from against his chest. I liked this spot. The top of my head was just below his shoulder, with my cheek pressed against him. I could feel his breath against my hair and feel his heart beating right next to me. It was so warm and safe and comforting. I would just stay like this if I could. Forever. "You didn't do anything wrong. And you don't have to tell me anything."

We stayed like that, silently, for a while. I don't know how long. I felt one of his hands lazily stroking through my hair. It was the happiest I'd ever felt in my life as he held me there, knowing all my secrets, knowing everything I did, and that he didn't reject me. That he would hold me like he loved me, despite the fact that I was a monster, despite everything.

"Could I show you around?" he asked finally. I almost told him not to, to go back to petting me and holding me and making me feel wanted.

Instead I answered him. "Where are we?"

"I recognize this place now that I look around. It's definitely the theater that the student film society rents at my school." I suppose maybe I did pull the movie theater out of his mind too. "If it's still dark I can show you all my favorite spots. They're much prettier at night than they are in the day."

I looked up at him, and he seemed so happy, so free of worry. I nodded, smiling a little. We both stood up, a little unsteadily after having been sitting down for so long. I swayed a little, and leaned on him to stop myself falling over. He didn't seem to mind, and put his arm around my waist. I leaned against him more as we walked out the door of the theater.


	6. Sight seeing

We made our way out of the theater, and found it lightly snowing. Ok, I suppose in a world where I control the weather, I don't _find _anything. But I thought it was pretty, and I think Josh liked it too. There was snow everywhere, and it could end up on our hair and face, without being so much that it would really bother us. I didn't really know where we were, but I hadn't paid much attention to my surroundings recently.

"Yeah, this is definitely my campus," said Josh, grinning. "Ah, sweet home Chicago."

I was able to smile, knowing some of the movie references. It turned out that Josh was sort of a movie person. Well, he swore to me that he wasn't. That he'd met really movie snobs, who actually would tell you how impressive certain ways of shooting a scene were or something. But he was close enough for me. I never had even scene a movie before tonight. I mean, I knew what they were. But I didn't really do a lot of things that normal people considered fun.

"Where do you want to go?" I asked Josh, getting ready to put us somewhere else.

"For a walk," he said, leading me out onto the sidewalk.

"Is that like I Don't Know?"

"No," he said. "I just like going for walks late at night. I think it's pretty and peaceful."

"Ok," I said. "We can walk."

"Not that the walk has anything on the company, this time around," Josh finished up. A huge tower was in front of us. It was sort of pretty, in an eery way. I suppose that the color of the sky helped. Even though it was night, the clouds seemed to reflect a certain pinkish light.

"What's that?" I asked, pointing at the building.

"That's Rockefeller Chapel. It's supposed to be the tallest building on campus, from some stories I've heard."

"Couldn't they just measure it?" I asked.

"It is the tallest. But I heard a story that when John D. Rockefeller was donating money to the school, one of his conditions was that his chapel be the tallest building on campus. So they make sure to not build taller than it."

"Who's John D. Rockefeller?" I asked. Honestly, I didn't care. He sounded like he was long dead and gone, some figure shrouded in myth and legend. I just liked hearing Josh tell me things. I liked him showing off all these small bits of knowledge he had about the world. The way he told stories drew me in. And not just because it was the only long conversation I'd ever had.

"Founded Standard Oil. Was one of the biggest philanthropists in history." I looked at Josh, still not having any real idea who the guy was.

"He was a guy with way too much money," Josh finally finished, realizing that he couldn't explain it to either of our satisfactions. We kept walking, with me staring around at large grey buildings and leafless trees like I never had before. No one interrupted our. No smell or fear or hunger. Just the warmth I felt from the boy next to me. Eventually round a corner to find a huge open field in front of us.

It was covered in perfectly even white, with beautiful gothic buildings around all the sides but the open one we were on. Antique looking lights ran along the walks, giving a white light to the whole thing, as snow drifted down onto bare trees. It seemed strangely beautiful in it's starkness.

"Here's the main quad," Josh whispered into my ear. "I always think it's pretty at night, especially with the lamps on."

I shivered slightly as his breathe hit my ear. "Are you cold?" He asked.

"Oh, no, I'm fine," I said, as his arm left me, and he started taking off his coat. "Josh, really. I can't get cold."

"I'm just taking off my coat," he said. "If no one wants to wear it, what does that matter?"

He balled it up under his other arm, replacing the other around my waist. I almost danced at the gesture, but was afraid that I would shake his arm off. I contented myself with feeling the heat from him all the nearer to me.

"Here," Josh said, tugging me along behind him again. We headed towards one of the buildings. "This is where I have math every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday."

"How romantic," I said, meaning it sarcastically. Somehow, it really didn't come out that way. The door was unlocked, because it wasn't real life, I suppose, and Josh led me into the white hallways of the building.

"Where are we going?" I asked, as we started heading up some stairs.

"A place I really like," Josh answered uninformatively. He was practically dragging me along, as he bounded up the stairs.

"Ahh," I cried out, as I stumbled on the last step before the second floor. I had never tripped walking stairs before, not that I could remember at least. It was tougher walking around when you were more concerned about holding onto the other person than where your feet were. Josh already had a hold of me, fortunately, and I didn't fall. Not that I couldn't have caught myself. I just liked him catching me better.

"Why are you running up the stairs?" I demanded.

"I don't know, I always just bound up stairs. It's a habit. Why?" he asked, eyes twinkling. "Do you need me to carry you?"

"Do you need me to carry you?" I shot back. As if on some agreed upon signal, we were both racing up the stairs. It's a tough race, the one where you are pulling the other person along with you. Especially when the staircase got much thinner at the top. I totally won.

"Wait," said Josh, pulling me back from the door. "Close your eyes."

"What?"

"Close your eyes."

"No," I responded childishly. "I won. I don't have to close my eyes."

"Fine," Josh said. And he covered my eyes. I should have stopped him. I had just been insisting that I wasn't going to close my eyes, after all. I could break him in half. But right then I was just too happy to feel his hands on my face, and feel him standing that close behind me. We started forward again. I giggled as one of his hands left me to get the door.

"Quiet you," he retorted. But it wasn't even meant as a joke. The words had no meaning. It was just so I could hear his voice. I could feel the wind around us, as we stepped through the door. Josh led me over until I could feel some type of stone in front of me.

"We're here," he whispered, taking his hands away from my eyes.

**Author's Note: I realize that you don't know him very well, but do you all like Josh at all?**

**And, as an off topic question of the day, what do you all think of the death penalty? I know this may not apply to all my readers, since not every country has it, but you can still have an opinion. Even if it is purely academic. In fact, lets make it more personal. If you were deciding on the sentence for the person who had murdered whoever was most important to you, (be that friends or family, or a combination. He's a serial killer out to ruin your life) would you pick a life sentence or would you want him put to death?**

**Wow. Am I morbid or what?**


	7. In Just an Evening

I could see the whole city. The skyline twinkled, with lights going on and off as people moved and drove and went about a million lives. The wind blew at me, and I looked down to find myself staring straight down the the battlements of some building. Everything was laid out before me, the work and world of millions of people, through hundreds of years. I hadn't even been alive for four, not that I could remember at least. I felt tiny looking at the works of all these people, who just went about there lives. Normal people. I leaned back from the edge slightly, leaning against Josh.

"Do you like it?" he asked, whispering it to me. I couldn't even answer. I just nodded, pressing myself against him. "I've never taken anyone up here before."

"What is this place?" I asked him quietly.

"I just come up here to think. To get away from people for a while. Sometimes I just can't stand to be around them." He stopped, as if he had said too much.

"Thank you," I said. I brushed my hand on his cheek.

"I suppose I owe you an explanation, right? I said I would tell you about me."

"You don't have to," I said. He seemed smaller and frightened when he said it, and I didn't like it. I liked him confident and happy and holding me. "I trust you."

"You should trust people because they've earned it Leeloo, not because they happen to be nice to you one night," he said sadly. "How do you know I'm not some master seducer, who realized that his only chance is to get you to care about him enough to let him go?"

I hadn't even thought of that. What if I was just being a fool? I pulled away to look at him. "Are you?"

"No," he said, but I had already decided I didn't care. I cared about Josh enough that I wanted him alive, that I did want to find some way to let him go. Not even that, I cared about him enough that I wanted him to keep being part of my life. He would be the only part of it, really. I wanted more than to just have this one fantasy with him. I took his hand, wanting some sort of contact with him.

"Do you want to hear about me?" he asked.

"Only if you want to tell me," I answered. I did want to know about him. I found myself wanting to know everything about him. Why did he like musicals and scifi, why his favorite food was some restaurant food, why he had a special tower to get away from the world. He sat down on the rooftop, and I followed.

"Well, I'm from Florida," he said. "I just came here to Chicago for school. School and to get away from home."

He grimaced when he said it. I nearly interrupted him, but he gave my hand a squeeze, and I decided to just let him keep going at his own pace. "Home wasn't the best environment. Mine wasn't quite the normal wholesome family." He paused, looking up at me. I guess he felt me tense up while he said this. I got tense at the idea of him being hurt. I wanted to go back and protect him.

"I never got hurt, don't worry. My mom made sure of that," he said. He looked away when he said it. "She made sure that none of it ever got to me. I just buried myself in my books, in my studies, in whatever obsession I had at the time, and pretended I had no idea what was happening. So I got great grades."

"I never saw any of it happening, you know. But I knew it. I heard everything. And I could see the marks on her. The way she moved afterwards. She protected me for eighteen years. Stuck with him so that I would have a normal life, would have all the things we would need, and I ran away to college and left her there." He clutched his coat as he said it, and I could hear one slight impact as a tear fell from his face onto it.

"It isn't your fault Josh." I said, scooting closer to him.

"I know," he spat back. "it's his fault for hurting her. And it's her fault for letting him. But it's my fault too, for never doing anything to stop it. Never. I never once stuck my head out of my room when they were fighting. Eighteen years of pretending like nothing was wrong, of sticking my head in the sand."

"You were just a kid," I insisted, wrapping my arms around him. "What could you have done?"

"Anything!" he said, throwing off my arms and standing up. "I never did anything! In my whole life, what have I ever done that mattered?"

I'd never seen him like this. Uncontrolled, angry. I didn't really know him, I suppose. I'd only spent a day with him. Or an evening really. I didn't know he could get so mad. But at the same instant I realized it, he seemed to change.

"I'm sorry," he said, dropping back down to sit next to me. "I didn't mean to scare you."

I scooted over to him, and leaned on him, the calmer, stronger Josh that I was used to.

"Shouldn't I be the one holding you?" I asked him.

"Is that how this works? Because I like it like this." I smiled up at his words. Did he really mean them? It seemed stupid that two people could meet and click as well as we seemed to. That we would share each others inner most secrets and dreams in such a short time. Maybe this happened all the time. I could only remember about three years.

"I like it too," I said, closing my eyes as he held me.

**Author's note: So here's a little more about Josh.**

**What do you all think? Can you meet someone and decide that they are important, that you might be falling for them, all in one evening?**


	8. Fun?

I had no idea how to bring it up to Josh. I had absolutely no experience with relationships of any kind. I didn't even remember ever having a family! How do you tell someone you just met that you really like them? He seemed like he liked me also, but no one usually talked to me. I never gave anyone the chance. If he didn't like me, if it _was _all just in my head (more than just the projection part, I mean) I couldn't stand it. If this wasn't real, if I would lose this thing that I had just found, I wouldn't know what to do. So I did the only thing I could. I put it off.

"What do you want to do now?" I asked Josh, pulling myself away from him a little bit. Only enough that I could look up at him a bit. I kept ahold of him, and his arms never left me.

"Ummm... I really don't know. What would you want to do?" he asked.

_See what it would be like to spend the rest of my life with you. To just be a normal girl that you had met out while you were on a walk and happened to connect with. To find out my history, and that I didn't have to live like this. To just have you hold me. To really fall asleep in your arms. _"I don't know."

"Tell me about you. What is your life like? Besides... um... the unpleasant... What do you do for fun?" he finished, trying frantically to not remind me of the fact that I was a murderer.

"I don't know," I repeated hollowly. I did move away from him now. What had I been thinking, believing that there could be anything between us? I didn't deserve someone like him. I didn't deserve his heart for even one instant.

"You must do something for fun," he pressed lightly. I shook my head. "Nothing?"

I realized I wasn't even lying. I had no memory of fun before I met him. "I never had any fun, or any happy memories. Before tonight."

"Thank you," I added shakily.

"You need to have fun," Josh informed me. "Sitting by yourself all day, doing nothing but thinking, it would drive a happy person crazy. It's way worse for people like us."

For some reason it pissed me off that he thought we were the same. I didn't know what it must have been like to know that people I loved were getting hurt, but he was nothing like me.

"Josh," I said, grabbing his face between my hands. "You are a good person. Stop acting like we are that alike."

"And here I thought we had lots in common," he said.

"What do you mean by that?" I demanded. I'm a murdering vampire. You're a sweet handsome guy.

"Nothing," he answered. "I just thought, you know, that we got along very well. I didn't mean anything by it."

You didn't? No, take it back. I felt it too. But I couldn't say it. We both sat there, with me trying to will him to suddenly profess his feelings for me.

"What do you do for fun?" I asked into the awkward silence that had managed to form between us.

"Well, I like cards and games. I fence. Want to try that?" I knew what fencing was without even trying to learn it form him. We'd just watched the Princess Bride after all. I grinned ferally at the idea.

"Ok," I said. Apparently he hadn't noticed how much faster and stronger than him I was. A long blue padded strip appeared on the roof. It was about as wide as a sidewalk, I suppose. Weird helmets that seemed like they were made out of screen appeared, along with some type of swords. They were really thin. I don't think they would have had any edge to cut people with even if they had been meant to actually hurt people.

"These," said Josh, picking up one of the swords, "are foils. They're usually the weapon that people start out on in fencing. Plus, they're just prettier when used well."

I picked mine up. It didn't have the grip I expected. I had thought it would just be a solid bar, like the handle of a bat or something. But it had these weird prongs coming off of it.

"It's called a pistol grip," Josh said, upon seeing me eying the handle.

"Here," he said, wrapping my hand around it. I made a mental note to do lots of things that required him showing me how to hold things in the future, or anything else that would give me an excuse to touch him or him touch me. The funny handle made a little more sense once I was holding it. The tip pointed where I wanted it to without any weird bending of my arm. "It's a point weapon. You have to hit the other person with the tip of it to do any damage."

"That doesn't sound too complicated," I said.

"The complicated part is keeping score. If we both stab each other, rather than just everyone dying, the person who got their point in line for attack first gets 'right of way,' unless the other person does something to stop the attack, in which case they get 'right of way.'"

"That only comes up if we get each other at the same time though, right?" This was going to be a piece of cake.

"Yeah. If someone hits first, they get the point."

"Fine then. Quit stalling."

"Quit stalling?" he asked. "Bold words from someone who's never done this before."

We both put on the helmets. Josh got into some weird crouch, with his blade pointed at me, and I got ready to pounce.

**Author's note:**

**I decided they were only allowed one stereotypical behavior this chapter. And that was the whole indecisiveness worrying about what the other person thinks thing. So they didn't get to do some sort of normal date activity this time.**

**What do you all think? Have you all ever been in a situation where you like someone but are too nervous to bring it up with them? If so, what's it like? I _never _have that problem. :P  
**


	9. Sparring

Do you ever feel like you are being cruel when you are playing something with a little kid? Like if you were teaching your kid brother to play chess, or soccer with a kindergartner that you are babysitting? When you just know that you are going to utterly trounce them. When you can toy with them, give them a little bit of hope, just because you know you can take it away whenever you want to?

I had none of that remorse. But I probably should have.

Josh lunged first. He put his arm out straight before he really went into it, which I guess has something to do with the rules he was telling me about before we started. The ones that had to do with what happened if both of you hit each other. The ones that totally did not matter. I didn't even knock his sword out of the way. I just ducked under it, and jabbed him lightly with mine.

"Ow," he shouted, leaping back. It was really cute actually. I'm pretty sure that he was really quick for a human. Really. And I might have chuckled a little.

"Are you laughing at me?" Josh demanded playfully. He lifted up his helmet so that I could see his grin. I shook my head, unable to actually answer because I was holding in my laughter. The mask sliding around my face didn't help the seriousness of the situation? How had I gotten a mask that was too big even though I created them from my own thoughts?

"Have at thee, then!" he exclaimed, and leaped back at me. I knocked his blade aside again and again as I gave ground, laughing the whole time. He was actually very graceful and precise while he did it, making the little metal pole dance around my mine in elegant circles. Too bad I was so much quicker that even when he did manage to fool me into blocking the wrong way, I was able to recover and block him before he could even notice the mistake. He even did one where he swung his sword over hand, sort of, and even though I blocked it, it bent around my blade and the tip would have hit me. If I was super fast.

Finally, I knocked his sword out of his hand, getting another screeched ow out of him as I did. He fell backward, and ended up sitting there, gasping, with my sword point at his throat. His foil dramatically clattered to the ground behind me.

"Yield, good sir," I demanded, trying to use the same tone that he had used earlier before his furious but futile attack. I failed, probably because of the laughter.

"Never," he wheezed out. It got muffled even more by his mask, which had sort of ridden up.

"Well, umm... now what then?" I asked. I settled for offering a hand to help him up.

"I suppose I got what I deserved, fighting the goddess of the world that I'm standing in," Josh said as he got his feet under him. "Incredible speed is another of your many perfections."

I frowned, thinking again about where I get my speed. "I don't think it's a perfection," I muttered. "I don't think it's a good thing at all."

"Not a good thing? No one I know is quicker than me. You could be a super hero, or any crazy dream any kid has ever had about what they want to be when they grow up."

"I'll never grow up though," I said morosely. "I'm stuck like this forever."

He looked at me for a moment. "What's it like? Being a vampire, I mean."

"Josh," I said, turning away from him. The whole landscape around us fell away, and we were just standing in bleak grey nothingness. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Please?" he pleaded. I felt him put his hand on my shoulder.

"Why?" I asked, rounding on him. Couldn't he let me enjoy this? Couldn't he let me pretend to be normal with him.

"I just wanted to know about you. To hear about your life." He said. He had pulled his hand back when I turned, and I missed it.

"Will you hold me while I tell you?" I asked. Just promise that you won't pull away from me like that when you hear about what a monster I am. That I can have another moment where you touch me.

"I get to hear about you and hold you? Why would I turn this down?" he pointed out, grinning.

"Shut up," I said, not in the mood for joviality for some reason. And for once, he didn't throw out some witty comment, didn't prod me a little bit more. He just let me lean against his chest, and rubbed his hands up and down my cold arm to try to warm me up. I shut my eyes as we sat down, me in his lap. I curled up as much as I could, trying to relish this feeling of being small and protected in his arms before I had to focus on how I was never allowed to do this in real life.

**Author's note:**

**You know what is bothering me? How the story Natural Defense Mechanism by xxsparklesnick doesn't have like a thousand reviews singing it's praises. If you are thinking of reviewing my stuff, go read that and review it. It's better. And maybe drop me a line telling me other good things to read, because I'm looking for good recommendations.**


	10. Scars

"So what does it mean to be a vampire," Josh asked after a minute. I was tempted to just snuggle into him and ignore him, but I had said I would tell him, so instead I sighed.

"Well, you've seen lots of it. I'm super fast and super strong. I'm practically impossible to kill."

"No sunlight or stakes?"

"No," I said, shaking my head slightly. "Or any other methods that would work on you."

"Oh, tried a lot have you?" he asked jokingly.

I nodded against him. "Jumping off of buildings didn't do anything. Or being underwater. Electrocution really hurt, but if it did anything, I couldn't stand it long enough to tell."

I rolled up the sleeves of the shirt I was wearing to show him my wrist. It was one of the few spots on my body that was marred at all. I heard Josh gasp when he saw, his hands immediately shooting out to hold it. "What happened?"

"I tore it open with my teeth. But I can't bleed to death like a human can."

He covered my scar with his hands rubbing it lightly. "I'm sorry."

"For what?" I asked. He hadn't known me when I'd done that. There wasn't any way that he could have stopped me anyhow.

"For not finding you sooner. Please, promise me you'll never try to hurt yourself again."

I gulped slightly. "I won't try to kill myself, Josh. I hate what I am, but some of the last couple I tried, they hurt so much..."

I pulled my hand out of his, curling up into a ball. I'd tried to tear through my neck, figuring that I needed my head to live, even vampires must, right? But it had hurt so much. I shook slightly thinking about it. I'd passed out, I guess, or at least just hurt so much that I couldn't get my body to respond. Then, when I'd recovered, everything had just scarred over. My neck was the other place that wasn't perfect anymore.

"It's ok," said Josh. "Just please, never let yourself be hurt like that again."

"Please, for me?" he said.

"For you," I agreed. I felt him kiss the top of my head, and I almost started crying. How could he want anything to do with me? What could possibly be lower than a twisted murdering sociopath that ate people? Why, someone who just quit at life and tried to kill themselves, who also happened to be a murderer who ate people.

"What's it like when...." he stopped. I had some idea what he would ask, and I really wanted him to never continue, but that wish didn't come true, "when you eat?"

He had to ask that. Why did he think I wanted to kill myself? Because I murdered innocent people? Sure that didn't help me feel good about myself but that wasn't really it.

"It's wonderful," I whispered into him. "All the pain, from starving myself, from being alone and hating what I am stops. It all goes away and I feel so warm and satisfied. I feel strong, like I could conquer the world. And the blood."

I laughed slightly at how awful I was. "It's so delicious. I mean, I like tasting food here, pretending to be human. But blood is sooo good."

I looked up at him. "Do you hate me?"

"No," he said, seeming surprised by the question. "How could I ever hate you? You're wonderful."

I'd gotten kind of sick of explaining how awful I was and this whole argument, so I just let him say it this time. Stupid vampire perfectness even worked on him.

"Could I try that ?" he asked.

"What?" I asked, confused. I'd started smelling him again, and he was still intoxicating, even if I didn't feel like I had to kill him. Had he said something while I wasn't paying attention?

"Could I try tasting blood like you taste it?" I stared at him in shock. I mean, I loved drinking blood. It was a drug to me. The best drug I had ever tasted. But I just found that part of me so repulsive.

"Never mind," he said, correctly noticing my disgust. But the more I thought about it, the less I felt that I could turn him down. If it was the greatest pleasure I knew, how could I refuse him? Even if I didn't want it for him, it would probably be his end. And even if he lived, couldn't I share this with him? If he liked it, then somehow it would seem more ok for me to. And I just wanted him to try something that I liked. Josh only got so much pain from me.

"It's ok," I said. I reached up to his face. It was so warm and soft.

"Here," I said, undoing the light scarf that was my constant companion. His eyes widened again, at the scar that was there, the one other place on me that was marked. I knew exactly how it looked, tracing jaggedly across. It had hurt to swallow, when I had first gotten it. Hurt more, I should say, since only blood ever seemed to quench the acid thirst that constantly burned in me in the real world.

"How could you do this to yourself?" I hung my head at his comments, which seemed to send him backpedaling.

"I just mean that I can't understand why you don't see your beauty like you do," he explained.

"Would you like to try it or not?" I asked, still not willing to argue about myself right now.

"Wait, from you?" he asked. "No, I would never hurt you. I don't want to bite you."

"It's part of the experience. You have to feel your teeth going into them, feel the blood moving with their pulse. And I'd like you to... taste me."

"What?" I suppose it was a rather odd request.

"I just-" It was hard to explain. I'd never really thought about it and didn't have a reason handy. "When I see myself, I see my scar, and I think about everything I've done. Everything I am. But if you do this," I couldn't say drink from me for some reason, "I'll be able to pretend, a little bit, that you had marked me, that it was from you."

As weird as it sounded, I realized that it was also true. I wished there was a way that I could be sure to always carry around some little reminder of Josh, to somehow give him a physical piece of myself. I was a vampire. I would hardly miss a little teeny bit of skin.

"I would never do something like that to you," Josh said, raising his voice. "How could you even think I would want to … _mark _you somehow."

He'd practically spit the word, and I realized that I had hit a nerve. He pulled away, and I really didn't want him to go. "I'm sorry. Please, don't-"

I cut off, realizing that accusing him of being about to leave me, after practically asking him to become, in his eyes, his abusive father, was only going to make things worse. I tried to think of something to say to keep him close. I had to come up with something. I needed him, and I could feel him slipping away with every passing moment.

"I love you."

**Author's Note: Anyone ever made that sort of confession? Maybe where you didn't know how the other person felt when you told them you loved them?**

**Oh, and go harass everyone who claims that they are one of the co authors for the Eye of the Storm. They're listed on my profile. Bother them. Especially Luvvampluvdog.  
**


	11. Silence

I stood there in shock. He had stopped too, when he had said... _that._

"You what?"

"I love you," he repeated, still facing away from me.

"You can't!" It was wrong, cruel everything about it was just...

"Why not?" he demanded.

"Because I'm going to kill you!" I searched around for something, stumbling on it in his mind, and the movie we had just watched. "You'll never share real love, until you love yourself!"

He must have known what I did, because he smiled.

"I should know," he finished the line. "That doesn't say someone can't love you. Just that you can't share it properly, Leeloo."

"But-" But it hurts. Everything hurts, and I love you, and I'm going to kill you and this is worse, so much worse. I couldn't say it. Instead I had just run to him, latched on to his shirt and buried my face in him. Where I was supposed to be. Where I belonged.

"I think it will be ok," he said. "I think we could really work, two messed up people like us."

I shook my head against him. Which probably just looked ridiculous, like I was rolling around my face in his chest. I felt his hand on my neck. It slid up, cupping my chin, and he pulled back a little.

"I'm going to kiss you now, Leeloo. Is that ok?" I nodded, keeping my eyes shut even if I wasn't against him anymore. His breath smelled delicious, washing over me as he leaned closer, but it was nothing compared to the way that he tasted when his lips touched mine. Warm and safe and kind and still so delicious. Perfect. More perfect than anything I could have ever imagined. Real.

I tried to pull away. Did I try to pull away?

"It's ok," Josh whispered. He wasn't screaming, like the others. He seemed so peaceful. I finally broke away.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry-"

"Shhhhh. I love you. Remember what you promised me?"

I shook my head. "No. I don't. Please stay with me. Please. I'll keep any promise. Anything."

I tried to jump us back into the fantasy, but I couldn't focus or he was too weak. His eyes fluttered shut as more pulses of blood ran down his next, coloring the snowy rooftop under him. "Josh, please!"

He wasn't warm for long, as I huddled over him on the silent roof.

**Author's note: It's been over a year since I updated this story. The writing is some of my worst, grammatically. The tenses fuck up left and right, for example. I'm sure I am super repetitive.**

**But by God, this is my favorite of all the stories I have written on here. These two screwed up nobodies. And it was time to stop stretching it out.**


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